1.6 Principles of Communication

There is no moment when you are not in the process of communication. This may first sound impossible, but let’s look at a few examples.

You are communicating with a co-worker over an issue on the job. You communicate with yourself as you replay and analyze the discussion you just had with the co-worker. Your friend communicates with you about their day and you respond nonverbally. You are communicating whether you are talking or not. Your body language displays signals that express what you are thinking and feeling. Your face, your posture, your type of clothing, and even your choice of friends can send nonverbal messages that are open to interpretation. 

When you speak, the tone of your voice, when you take a breath, your pitch and volume all contribute to message, combining to form expressions that attempt to convey your message. When you listen, to yourself or others, your internal monologue or self-talk comments on what you see, hear, think and/or feel.  In thought, verbally, or nonverbally, you are always communicating.

Within the context of interpersonal relationships or small group discussions, communication is always occurring; you cannot not communicate (Watzlawick, 1993). Whether you communicate to yourself while you sleep is open to debate, but it is clear that in other contexts, the state of constant communication with self and others is less prevalent. If a patient is under anesthesia, communication may cease. The point is communication is constantly occurring, intentional or unintentional, in a range of contexts. The more we can become aware of communication in these contexts will contribute to a better understanding of the dynamic nature of the process of communication.

Let’s pretend you are tired from a long day at work. You may value peace and quiet. Your friend, however, is full of energy and values your interaction. The transactional model of communication takes the perspective that meaning and interpretation are part of the individual. Your frame of mind as tired and theirs of energetic contribute to the transactional nature of communication between you. But we can’t just limit our discussion to the here and now of the scenario. Where did you grow up? What language(s) did you learn? What did you learn to value? All of these factors and many more contribute to your interpretation of the message and your response to it.

One good example of transactional communication is the phenomenon of understood meaning. Understood meaningOccurs when two or more people have in some way negotiated a common meaning for a word or phrase. occurs when two or more people have in some way negotiated a common meaning for a word or phrase. Have you ever known two people who have been together for a long period of time? Could they finish each other’s sentences? Did they have their own “words”? Their vocabulary held meanings they understood, drawn from years of experience together. An outsider might only guess at what they were talking about. The words themselves were only part of the picture. To fully grasp the understood meaning of the message you would have to have been part of the experience that led to the shared meaning.

Outside of a small, close-knit group, do think this process occurs on a wider scale? If you travel from one part of the United States to another, do all of the words, phrases, and behaviors mean the same? You may come from the South, where hospitality is an important social custom. Your expectation of yourself may be that you will be a gracious host regardless of how you really feel. Or, as someone from the North, you may have learned to raise your palms with a typical New Yorker’s carefree shrug to easily communicate “No big deal” and go about your business. Where you come from influences the words you use with others. In order to understand the meaning of the words, we need more than just the words themselves.

A previous scenario involved you talking with yourself, a friend, and to a group of friends. Each time someone else entered the scene, the scene itself changed. Not only does the scene change and transform, but it is constantly changing. Your ability to adapt to this constant change impacts your ability to communicate in a variety of settings and situations. Recognize that, like water running down a river, communication travels in one direction and much as we would like to go back, we cannot. Communication is a dynamic process, where people come together, mingle, and then part.

As soon as you heard yourself say the words “Ok, everybody out!” you may have thought about what they sounded like. You might have felt bad about how you communicated your feelings, and followed up with the disclaimer “I’m tired” to explain your tone. You might of wished, at least once in your life, that you could take back what you said or how you said it. Once something is expressed, it cannot be taken back. Words and gestures can make an impact, and their impact can be felt for a lifetime. We simply cannot reverse the process of communication. Even when you delete and recall an email after the fact, before anyone sees it, there is a record of it somewhere. Once spoken, written, published, transmitted, or broadcast, word, images, sounds, and ideas cannot be simply erased or forgotten. By taking an active role in our communication with others, and recognizing that communication is irreversible, we can take a proactive approach to the words and gestures we use.

When you said in the scenario “Ok, everybody out!” did you stop for a moment and think you sounded like your mother, father or someone you looked up to while growing up? Have you ever heard yourself say or sound just like someone who was an authority figure during your childhood? While there is some debate as to the universal nature of language across cultures, most researchers conclude that our knowledge of communication is learned through interaction with others. Smiles and laughter may cross the language barrier, but words and many gestures require an understanding of the culture and context. 

From the time of birth until around nine months of age, babies make similar sounds and gestures regardless of the language of their primary caregiver. Usually between nine and twelve months, babies start to imitate the vocalizations of their caregiver, and start on a path towards using the language. At around one year, a child often uses his or her first word, and that word can mean many things. 

In addition to the use of words, the gestures and customs that are part of a culture are also learned as a child develops. A Chilean baby may raise their arms and say “Oopa” to communicate a desire to be held. A baby in the United States might also raise their arms but say “Up.” As a child grows, social interaction and customs take on increasing importance. In Chile a child would learn to give a light kiss on the cheek to family friend or neighbor after saying “Hola.” In the United States, a child learns to extend their hand for a handshake as they say “Hello.” Issues of touch and space are as much a learned part of communication as words in distinct languages.

These five principles can provide us insight into how the process of communication works. They can remind us to take care with our words, our thoughts, and our actions. They can provide a step-by-step process that we can use to find breakdowns, and to improve our interactions. They remind us that meaning is within us, and we need to consider the meaning in others too, in order to share. We’ll build on this foundation as we explore this fascinating, dynamic, and complex process of interpersonal communication.

Communication is critical to success in business and life. Concerned about an upcoming interview? Anxious about being asked to give your thoughts during a meeting? Fearful about needing to provide critical feedback in the moment? You are not alone! Learn and practice techniques that will help you speak spontaneously with greater confidence and clarity, regardless of content and context.